The girls on SGA were probably quite the illustrious clubbers back in the day; most of us opting for sweatpants and early nights (or is it just me?). But I thought it might be fun to compile a list of the girls we encounter during our clubbing glory days.
The Joanna – This is the girl who calls you every 5 mins when you’re getting ready. “What are you wearing?” “Are you gonna wear fake lashes?” “What colour is your dress?” “Are you bringing a jacket to get coat check?” “Are you leaving your hair up or down?” She’ll always be late.
The Jane – This is the girl who the guys will just flock to even when she’s dressed down because she’s just so damn stunning. Girls love her because she’s so laid back and cool and guys love her because she’s nice to everyone. Highly needed to boost up the cheerleader effect of the group.
The Caroline – This is the girl who always ditches the crowd for a guy. Of course she is the first one to say ‘we have to stick together alright? It’s girl’s night out so we have to stay together so don’t just disappear!’ but she’s the first one who will go into some dark corner and start grinding with the cute boy in the baseball cap. Next thing you know, she’s gone…
The Nicole – This is the girl who flirts with anyone with a penis, from the bouncer to the bartender to the bankers who ply her with drinks hoping she’ll come home with them. She’s a good friend to have because she gets you into the clubs without having to stand in line and gets you all those free shots.
The Leona – This is the girl who cries every time you go out because of her ex. She bumps into her ex’s friends or she sees her ex dancing with another girl so she goes to the bar and starts drinking up a storm and you have to try to get her to come out of the bathroom stall because she’s bawling her eyes out and ruining her eye make up.
The Crystal – This is the girl with the annoying boyfriend – the one who won’t let her have fun. They are constantly fighting because she wants to have a lychee martini and dance with the girls but he wants to go home and have sex.
The Lexi – This is the girl who lives far away so she has to get all her partying done before the trains stop because she doesn’t want to shell out money for a cab. She says we should all meet up early for dinner and hit the clubs asap so she can get her drink on and head home before the public transportation comes to a halt.
The Bonnie – This is the girl who mixes her booze with her drugs and is high as a kite the whole night. She has the munchies so she disappears for two hours while you’re frantically searching for her and when you find her she’s eating a wrap (burrito/kebab etc) and when you get close enough she promptly throws up on your new suede booties (true story.)
The Daisy – This is the girl who can’t hold her liquor but insists on drinking and promptly passes the hell out. When she wakes up, she finds herself sitting in the bathroom hugging the toilet bowl but won’t let you call her mother because she doesn’t want to get into trouble. Your boyfriend has to piggyback her all the way back home. (Something he’s never had to do for you)
The Annie – This is the girl who refuses to drink because she wants people to think that she’s the good girl. This is despite the fact that she can pounds those shots back like no other and you have seen her do the Beyonce booty shake on the bar several times before.
The Michelle – This is the girl who makes out with other girls when she’s drunk mostly to get the attention but also because she thinks that she’s liberal enough to declare herself bisexual. She says things like ‘women are so beautiful and they have softer lips anyway’ but when push comes to shove, she’ll choose the man’s underjunk.
The Louisa – This is the girl who is way too classy for any of the dive bars you go to as a group. She gingerly places her Chanel 2.55 bag on top of some tissues and orders white wine and champagne even at the grungiest places. She gets upset when the bottoms of her Louboutins get sticky.
The Jennifer – This is the girl that drinks but the alcohol hits her late so you know never to put her into a cab until she’s gotten something to eat. She’s the one who looks fine until she stops moving and loses her phone, her purse and her dignity so you have to stay with her and make sure she’s alright (or else you’ll get a call from her mother)
The Monica– This is the girl whose sole purpose that night is to get you completely obviously ridiculously hammered on long island iced teas. She keeps saying crap like ‘shoot it’ and gets all pissy when you can’t. Lady, I’m not like your crazy lush self.
The Katherine – This is the girl who will at the end of the night have flashed her boobs to the crowd. She is the reason why there are pictures of you floating on Facebook on random stranger’s pages – because you’re up there trying to block her half naked ass from the flash photography.
The Erica – This is the girl who insists she’s been dragged out. She hates big groups but comes out anyway because she doesn’t want to be left out. She’ll sit in the corner tapping away on her iPhone, pouting but she’ll stay till the end of the night just in case something juicy happens.
The Olivia – This is the social butterfly. She is flitting from place to place saying hi to all the people she knows so you see her at least 8 times while she circles the club making her rounds and drinking those shots from all the different banker boys (Goldman check, JP Morgan check, Morgan Stanley check, UBS check).
The Valerie – This is the girl who thinks Asian boys are wack and she’d like a black boy to grind up on because black guys can dance. She’s the one who taught you the 45 degree rule (Never grind beyond 45 degrees or else you’re a skank.)
The Claudia – This is the girl that has your back. The dirty banker just grabbed your ass? Facepalm. That skank spilled her drink on your accidentally on purpose? Bitch slap. Claudia is the girl you want on your team when you get into a club fight. She will take off her hoop earrings, kick off her shoes and just throw down.
The Celine – She’s the laid back girl who will drinks scotch and soda with you and dance to all your favourite songs and then help you haul all the stupid drunk girls into cabs and send them home at the end of the night.
Just in case you were wondering, I didn’t add the girl that most guys refer to as the Gatekeeper or the Beast because that’s mean and all girls are beautiful. Homegirls gotta stick together.
Which one are you?