A Scent to Call Your Own

When your memory fades, scent is the last to go, if at all. But with him, scent was the first to go…

I know he smells of “cigarette and cologne” but I can no longer remember the exact combination that made the scent unique to him. They’re vague words that I use singularly and combined; they create generic scents but I can’t remember the version that is his. I can no longer pull it up as I pull up a file in my memory like when I think of dove soap, imagine the smell and remember the time I buried my nose in his neck and inhaled that intoxicating I-have-just-showered-and-put-on-a-freshly-laundered-shirt smell. OR when my best friend tells me her scent is Ralph Lauren Romance, and I laugh because I swear I can smell him (“Junior and Jolie’s dad”) right there and then. Just as real as the first time I pulled the bottle off the dresser, sprayed it mid air and he watched me dance under the falling mist.

If my subconscious could speak, it’s probably telling me, “I’m keeping the ones I  like, doing away with the ones that break, burn, and end.” and I would probably reply, “Patience, I think we’re almost there.”

 

 

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You’re so skinny…

Yes, I was skinny; but for all the wrong reasons… in fact, I was more like skin and bones.

My relationship with him made me ill – physically that I was perpetually sick. The mental taxation of our being together manifested in my appearance and on my skin. So why did I not let go?

I thought I was fighting for something. But what was I fighting for? To prove that I wasn’t wrong or that I could hold on? All that fighting made one thing clear, I had a lot of fight in me but I had no reason to fight for someone who wouldn’t fight for me. Until then… I will fight for myself and all that deserve my love…

Thank you, Rachel Platten for putting it so nicely into something I can share.

Here is my fight song; take back my life song; prove that I’m right song…

This is my vow…

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“I can’t hear their vows,” I hushed him. “Well these are their vows to each other, what does it matter to you?” he replied.

He’s right I suppose. You see the thing is I really wanted to hear what they had to say. I was on a mission to figure out if the vows themselves had anything to do with a lasting marriage. This year, I’ve seen too many make promises they couldn’t keep or spew so much hatred because they’re trying to keep their vows. So I wonder, what’s the point? if you don’t make a promise about something, you’re not breaking any promises – right?

“I promise to make you breakfast every morning,” Groom says… I think of eggs benedict and then my thoughts drift to the time HE made Mother’s Day brunch and HIM promising to teach our kids how to make eggs benedict for me. Junior was to be the name of our eldest.

“I promise to hold you and cherish you,” Bride says and I can almost imagine myself saying, “Come home without the cake for Jolie’s first birthday and you see how I’ll HOLD YOU down and CHERISH every moment of giving YOU a piece of my mind.” I chuckle…

And slowly I see myself standing up there telling HIM, “I heard a story about a bride and groom. On their wedding day, the bride asked the groom if she could marry him in her next life. The groom laughed and told his bride, silly, that is what you asked me in our previous life. I want infinite life times with you but if that is not possible I will settle with just this lifetime. The time we have together will be our eternity. I don’t believe in an almighty God but if there is such a thing as a higher power… I ask that IT gives me all the luck from this life, life’s past and if I should have other lives after this, I ask that IT gives me all the luck for me to be the best person I can for you. And if that is not enough, I’m asking all our friends and family that is with us here and in spirit to give us your best wishes… just a minuscule is enough… ”

I want you to be with me in the dark, to hold me, to keep loving me, to help me when I get scared, to go right to the edge and see what’s there… (Tessa Scott, Now is Good)

“You girls are always so sentimental,” he says as a matter of factually next to me. His voice snaps me back into reality as I turn my head to see him. I take a breath to give myself a second to formulate an explanation that this piece of “nonchalant posture, too cool to go to a wedding and utter lack of desire for love” would understand.

“Their words were beautiful.” I say instead as I drift back into my own thoughts.

I vow to put you on a see-food diet, blow dandelions in your face, drag you to calla lily and lavender fields, argue about nothing important, too many Thanksgivings in our big kitchen, a joint bank account, listen to your jokes and snoring for years and years, to go to our parent’s evening and knowing our children are geniuses – Junior and Jolie -, being with you, being with you, being with you. Just being with you. 

20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women In NYC

20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women In NYC

Not just girls in New York City but I think this applies to a lot of girls out there:

These oftentimes elusive creatures who wear all black and give you dirty looks on the sidewalk are not as opaque as you might have imagined—but they are just as mean. In case you want to break past that tough exterior, here are a few things you should know about single New York City women:

1. Pounding Pavement In High Heels Takes Unfathomable Endurance

These ladies have way higher pain tolerances than your average human. Plus, they walk with two, built-in weapons on their feet.

2. They Make Their Own Money

Do not confuse them with kept women. They have high-powered jobs, and they do not need you.

3. They Carry Mace

Please do not approach a lone NYC woman after 2 AM. If she’s smart, she will be prepared to ward you off in a somewhat violent manner.

4. Their Bags Hold Everything You Will Ever Need

That tiny, designer bag hanging off her shoulder actually contains twenty tampons, thirty cough drops, tweezers, Band-Aids, all of her makeup, an extra pair of earrings, wet wipes, a cell phone charger, a backup wallet, breath mints…need I go on?

5. They Can Accomplish Any Task While Walking

If they needed to, they could change a baby’s diaper while crossing 5th Avenue.

6. They Do Like Money

20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women in NYC 1 20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women In NYC

CW/Gossip Girl

This is kind of a requirement of living and living well in NYC. If not at least semi-interested in making and spending, these women wouldn’t live here (unless they’re social workers, in which case they would probably like more money).

7. You Can Trace Their Heritage Back To Anywhere

Make no assumptions. A woman who considers herself a “New Yorker” could still speak with a Slovakian accent. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t know the subway system like the back of her hand.

8. Clothing, Bags, And Jewelry Mean A Lot To Them

There are plenty of women in this fair city. You’ve got to stand out at a glance somehow, which means shining personalities take a backseat to the latest couture.

9. Bitchiness Comes With The Territory

Just try and start a verbal battle with a New York woman and see how long it takes before you’re covering up sobs by pretending to cough.

10. They Know All The Lines

Your most ingenious pickup line has been used on them approximately ten million times in approximately five million bars, clubs, and restaurants.

11. You Can’t Bullshit Them

Do not dare try to lie about where you went to school or how long you’ve lived in the city. These women double as human lie detectors.

12. They Can Tell Your Job by the Shirt You’re Wearing

In a city this full of people, they’ve learned to tell the difference between an investment banker and busboy who happens to be wearing a nice shirt.

13. They Will Judge You By How Much You Tip

15 percent means you will never see this New York woman again.

14. They’re Aggressive

If someone cuts in front of you guys in line at the movie theater, they will never hear the end of it (and will likely move to their rightful place at the back).

15. They’re Jaded

You will jump through hoops trying to impress a New York woman, and she will still yawn over your specialty appetizers at a five-star restaurant to let you know that this place used to be much more innovative in the nineties.

16. They Are Socially Particular

They cannot be seen in public with just any old individual, so keep your friend Rick who only owns one t-shirt at home when you meet her on the town.

17. Being A “New Yorker” Is Central To Their Identity

20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women in NYC 20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women In NYC

CW/via Tumblr

Even if they’re from Kalamazoo, try not to remind them of this in order to remain in their favor.

18. They’re Total Snobs

In terms of directions, restaurants, neighborhoods…you name it, they have a pretty strong opinion on it—and it’s more correct than yours.

19. They’re “Promiscuous”

If their sex life didn’t begin ten years earlier than the first time you copped a feel, they’ve at least made up for it during their exploits in the city.

20. They’re Twice As Smart As You Are

Statistically speaking, they have to be in order to hold the same jobs and afford comparable apartments in a historically male-favoring job market in one of the toughest cities in the world.

Single Girl Meals: Cooking for 1

Foreword: Separately “kitchen” and “domestication” seem to have no correlation but place them within a few words of each other and it somehow has a negative undertone, almost demeaning. Perhaps it is culture or seeing our moms slaving away in the kitchen to feed her family; she gave up her youth, her dream and her beauty to care for her sometimes ungrateful children. I never wanted to be like her in that sense.   The man I marry will simply have to cook for me I decided. And then one day I walked into the kitchen “I’m going to make soup for Christopher!”I announced and I set off to learn how to make a pot of soup for five. After that it was “I’m going to make steak for Wilson and I made a meal out of three steaks. Finally, one day I made Thanksgiving dinner for John’s family and extended family.

And so that is how I started learning to cook – I cooked for two, for three, for five, for ten and for twenty…

17(From Eat, Pray, Love)

I wasn’t very hungry after John and I broke up. In fact, I don’t remember being hungry for a month. My girlfriend prescribed me wine and chocolate and another sent Georgetown Cupcakes.

You will want to eat again one day they promised. Surely, one day, I woke up with a mission. $75 dollars worth of groceries and 2 hours later I had produced a three course meal. Only to double over in pain 30 minutes later… I had eaten too much.

I was faced with a new problem… an appetizer, entree, side and dessert was suddenly too much where it wasn’t enough before. A pot of chili suddenly became tedious to finish.

Like many things – sleeping, dressing, laundry – I suddenly needed to learn how to for one.

So now I’m starting from scratch, starting from the beginning, perhaps where I should have started years ago. As Matthew McConaughey puts it, “I needed to  re-calibrate!”

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