You’re so skinny…

Yes, I was skinny; but for all the wrong reasons… in fact, I was more like skin and bones.

My relationship with him made me ill – physically that I was perpetually sick. The mental taxation of our being together manifested in my appearance and on my skin. So why did I not let go?

I thought I was fighting for something. But what was I fighting for? To prove that I wasn’t wrong or that I could hold on? All that fighting made one thing clear, I had a lot of fight in me but I had no reason to fight for someone who wouldn’t fight for me. Until then… I will fight for myself and all that deserve my love…

Thank you, Rachel Platten for putting it so nicely into something I can share.

Here is my fight song; take back my life song; prove that I’m right song…

It’s not that easy

Cheating.

I tell myself, it’s one of the most disgusting things a person can do to their significant other.

There’s something so inherently ugly in the word itself, like trying to get away with more than you deserve. Than what is due to you. You’re trying to double the benefits, while weaseling out of the work.

And yet, when it happened, I felt nothing other than a deep, profound sadness, doused with disappointment. There was anger, but that was momentary. It was a side thought to the awning black hole of feelings of grief and loss that were building up in me.

Like when you’re playing Monopoly, 3 hours in, and an opponent flips the board out of anger. Chance cards and Community Chest cards littered about, metallic dogs and hats strewn on the floor, Property cards everywhere. There’s no fixing that, you can’t just put all the pieces back on the board. There were so many cards, tiles, pieces that went into that game, even if you tried to restore everything by memory, something will always be missing, and you’ll realize that it takes little for that situation to happen again.

Who knows what could have happened in our future? Now I’ll never know. It’s not fair that someone decided to end the game for me before I was ready.

During a normal breakup, reasons come up – you weren’t good enough; I don’t love you any more. I would have preferred that. At least I would know he was no longer invested. But he couldn’t tell me why he did it. He wouldn’t even tell me he didn’t love me anymore.

They all wanted me to be mad, angry, furious. Even he was surprised I wasn’t yelling at him all the time.

I couldn’t see the point, and I still don’t. It wouldn’t make me feel better.

He wanted me to give him another chance, to move past it. That was inconceivable to me. How could I take back someone who didn’t hold sacred the same things as me?

As if a person in shock, I wandered around for a while, not able to understand why people were telling me the things they were. Like a victim of a natural disaster who has been rescued, dazed and confused, people tell you to do things, and a lot of the times, they don’t make sense to you. It might seem natural to someone who hasn’t just had their entire world flipped upside-down, but to the person who’s just gone through it, it’s all just background noise.

The part I’m still trying to get past, is how people couldn’t understand how much I still cared about him, even in the weeks that followed. You don’t just go from loving someone to hating their guts in one day (unless of course there’s physical abuse). You are angry with them, disappointed, furious, but you can’t just stop loving them. Not immediately, at least.

I guess though, I still don’t hate him. I pity him. And apparently, that’s one of the worst things you can do to a person.

Aggressive.

I’ve always considered myself the strong, independent type… the no-nonsense-get-in-the-guy’s-face-if-he-crosses-the-line kinda girl. I think because of this demeanor I’ve been pretty fearless when it comes to guys who I have deemed ‘aggressive’ and I’ve always been able to hold my own when they say inappropriate things or manhandle me, like the time I punched a guy when he grabbed my ass one too many times.

What I didn’t realise though is that those kinds of boys don’t really mean any harm. Idiocy and alcohol were key factors in their inappropriate behaviour.

I never thought to bring this up because I’m still shaken by it when I think about what could have happened, but I suppose I feel the need to write things out for closure.

Last fall, a guy I had been on a few dates with insisted on picking me up from the airport. He had been a perfect gentleman for the most part save for a few unsavoury, tasteless jokes about women that I had brushed off but he hadn’t done anything that raised any immediate red flags. I thought it was sweet that he had wanted to pick me up but now that I think about it, it was strange how he had continued to insist despite my telling him he didn’t have to.

When he picked me up, he gave me a hug, grabbed my suitcase and we made our way back to the city. Halfway through the ride, I realised that he was going in the opposite direction from my neighbourhood.

‘I just need to swing by home for a minute,’ he said.

‘Actually, would you be able to drop me off? I’m really tired from the flight and I’d like to go to my place,’ I told him.

‘It won’t be too long, I promise,’ he insisted.

After a few minutes of my insisting that he just take me home, he pulled the car over in the middle of a deserted street and jumped on me, pressing his lips against mine while I struggled to push him away. I screamed at him to get off and kept pushing and pushing until he moved away in sheer frustrating. He then called me a tease and asked what was the point in him picking me up if he wasn’t going to get any.

I jumped out of the car and demanded that I get my suitcase back.

‘Fine,’ he sneered, grabbing my suitcase from the back and sped off.

Twenty minutes later, I was able to flag a cab down and silently made my way back home. I threw away the blouse he had torn, the skirt that was pretty much unwearable and stayed under the hot shower for an hour trying to wash away his presence.

When a guy decides to become truly aggressive, there isn’t a whole lot that a girl can do. If I hadn’t fought back as I had or if he had chosen to disregard the fact that I had been fighting back and had forced himself on me, I don’t think there is much I could have done.

Stay safe ladies. I know there are good people in the world but there are some horrible excuses for human beings around too.

Love vs teddy bears

image

Recently I had a conversation with some girlfriends about the modern day wants and needs for boyfriends… And how they’re inversely related to your status in life.

As a younger single girl, insecure, unestablished in life, we need to feel some sort of gratification or justification for being who we are. So we do it the ways we know how: tons of frenemies and the precarious dream of that perfect boyfriend.. Sir prince charming.

Some of us get lucky, find our mate and that’s the end of the SGA.. and for others, we drift around whether by choice or not, and as we progress in life and social status, the mindset towards boyfriends becomes more of an ideal that a goal.

At least, that’s what it’s become for me. The idea of a boyfriend is as nice as the idea of a bestest best friend-forever. We don’t want to be lonely, and it’d be wonderful to have someone around who knows you.. The real you.

That’s one feeling single girls not-so-new to the dating scene have in common: a shared annoyance with the continual introductions. Talking about your background, where you’re from, what you do, what you enjoy, and whatever else makes you different from every other girl. Oh, and then pretending to care about what he says. The whole schpeel. We’re sick if it. And for the most part, we still have to do it because how else are they going to get to know the real you in an evening?

Anyway, back to the point; for the jaded, independently successful single girl, the ideal boyfriend is much like the picture up above: available, hassle-free, comfortable and your own personal sex-toy.

Juggling

juggling-men-vector

(via)

I was asked out on a date last week that went surprisingly well until about the end when I was hijacked in the bathroom by a slightly tipsy dude who proceeded to ask for my number. Excuse me sir, I am on a date, is it not obvious? Evidently not. The next day, I saw that he had texted me, having gotten my number from a friend of mine who was also at the bar. Creepy? A little but I figured I’d give him the benefit of the doubt because beggars can’t be choosers.

After cutting off booty call guy completely, I have been bombarded with equally useless men. Boys  really. Ones who play games and want to have fun. Sometimes fun is good but these days I can’t but feel that it’s a waste of my energy figuring out these silly games of theirs. So I’ve started to date casually, a few dates here a few dates there to see if anything works out.

You come to realise quite quickly what they want from you. And most of the time its not what is being offered up.

I’ve come to the conclusion though, that it takes a smart woman and a meticulously organized woman to juggle multiple men. It also takes a woman who can detach herself from her emotions from time to time, otherwise you end up with a big mess and too many balls to juggle (no pun intended).

Jaded

Here’s the thing about dating in your 30s… you know that inevitably, some of these men are not going to last. The men that hold your hand while they drive you home, the men that laugh at your quips across the table, the men who push you up against the wall and press their lips against yours, the men that give you butterflies by the way they look at you… they just aren’t going to last forever.

In that sense, I miss the youthful innocence of my teens when love seemed like forever, whatever forever may have been at the time. Or the hopeful romantic I was in my twenties when I believed that the he who was with me at the time and I would be able to make it last, come what may.

But in your 30s, you just know…

And after weighing the pros and cons, you break it off before it even starts because you know that the good men in your life, the ones you would have fallen in love with when you were youthfully innocent, the ones you would have given a chance to when you were hopefully romantic, these men will fade out of your life and become distant memories because you can already see that there is no future with them.

I don’t know when I became so jaded. Perhaps in between the last man to love me and leave me and him, I started building up these walls and controlling my emotions and making excuses for things not to work out. But between him holding my hand and making plans and his insistence that I become his, I felt a sliver of hope creep up from when I least expected it to.

In your 30s you’re just tired. You’re tired of getting hurt, tired of the men who play games, tired of the men that judge you so sometimes you may just miss what’s right in front of your eyes. In your 30s you can’t even trust your own judgement because they’ve been clouded by disillusionment. How do you learn to trust again and let love in? Because it seems like the hardest thing in the world…

20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women In NYC

20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women In NYC

Not just girls in New York City but I think this applies to a lot of girls out there:

These oftentimes elusive creatures who wear all black and give you dirty looks on the sidewalk are not as opaque as you might have imagined—but they are just as mean. In case you want to break past that tough exterior, here are a few things you should know about single New York City women:

1. Pounding Pavement In High Heels Takes Unfathomable Endurance

These ladies have way higher pain tolerances than your average human. Plus, they walk with two, built-in weapons on their feet.

2. They Make Their Own Money

Do not confuse them with kept women. They have high-powered jobs, and they do not need you.

3. They Carry Mace

Please do not approach a lone NYC woman after 2 AM. If she’s smart, she will be prepared to ward you off in a somewhat violent manner.

4. Their Bags Hold Everything You Will Ever Need

That tiny, designer bag hanging off her shoulder actually contains twenty tampons, thirty cough drops, tweezers, Band-Aids, all of her makeup, an extra pair of earrings, wet wipes, a cell phone charger, a backup wallet, breath mints…need I go on?

5. They Can Accomplish Any Task While Walking

If they needed to, they could change a baby’s diaper while crossing 5th Avenue.

6. They Do Like Money

20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women in NYC 1 20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women In NYC

CW/Gossip Girl

This is kind of a requirement of living and living well in NYC. If not at least semi-interested in making and spending, these women wouldn’t live here (unless they’re social workers, in which case they would probably like more money).

7. You Can Trace Their Heritage Back To Anywhere

Make no assumptions. A woman who considers herself a “New Yorker” could still speak with a Slovakian accent. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t know the subway system like the back of her hand.

8. Clothing, Bags, And Jewelry Mean A Lot To Them

There are plenty of women in this fair city. You’ve got to stand out at a glance somehow, which means shining personalities take a backseat to the latest couture.

9. Bitchiness Comes With The Territory

Just try and start a verbal battle with a New York woman and see how long it takes before you’re covering up sobs by pretending to cough.

10. They Know All The Lines

Your most ingenious pickup line has been used on them approximately ten million times in approximately five million bars, clubs, and restaurants.

11. You Can’t Bullshit Them

Do not dare try to lie about where you went to school or how long you’ve lived in the city. These women double as human lie detectors.

12. They Can Tell Your Job by the Shirt You’re Wearing

In a city this full of people, they’ve learned to tell the difference between an investment banker and busboy who happens to be wearing a nice shirt.

13. They Will Judge You By How Much You Tip

15 percent means you will never see this New York woman again.

14. They’re Aggressive

If someone cuts in front of you guys in line at the movie theater, they will never hear the end of it (and will likely move to their rightful place at the back).

15. They’re Jaded

You will jump through hoops trying to impress a New York woman, and she will still yawn over your specialty appetizers at a five-star restaurant to let you know that this place used to be much more innovative in the nineties.

16. They Are Socially Particular

They cannot be seen in public with just any old individual, so keep your friend Rick who only owns one t-shirt at home when you meet her on the town.

17. Being A “New Yorker” Is Central To Their Identity

20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women in NYC 20 Things Men Should Know About Single Women In NYC

CW/via Tumblr

Even if they’re from Kalamazoo, try not to remind them of this in order to remain in their favor.

18. They’re Total Snobs

In terms of directions, restaurants, neighborhoods…you name it, they have a pretty strong opinion on it—and it’s more correct than yours.

19. They’re “Promiscuous”

If their sex life didn’t begin ten years earlier than the first time you copped a feel, they’ve at least made up for it during their exploits in the city.

20. They’re Twice As Smart As You Are

Statistically speaking, they have to be in order to hold the same jobs and afford comparable apartments in a historically male-favoring job market in one of the toughest cities in the world.