It’s when you’re having a bad day that you miss him the most. Time to bury myself in work. When your personal life begins to interfere with your work, I guess it’s time to snap out of it.
Here’s the thing about dating in your 30s… you know that inevitably, some of these men are not going to last. The men that hold your hand while they drive you home, the men that laugh at your quips across the table, the men who push you up against the wall and press their lips against yours, the men that give you butterflies by the way they look at you… they just aren’t going to last forever.
In that sense, I miss the youthful innocence of my teens when love seemed like forever, whatever forever may have been at the time. Or the hopeful romantic I was in my twenties when I believed that the he who was with me at the time and I would be able to make it last, come what may.
But in your 30s, you just know…
And after weighing the pros and cons, you break it off before it even starts because you know that the good men in your life, the ones you would have fallen in love with when you were youthfully innocent, the ones you would have given a chance to when you were hopefully romantic, these men will fade out of your life and become distant memories because you can already see that there is no future with them.
I don’t know when I became so jaded. Perhaps in between the last man to love me and leave me and him, I started building up these walls and controlling my emotions and making excuses for things not to work out. But between him holding my hand and making plans and his insistence that I become his, I felt a sliver of hope creep up from when I least expected it to.
In your 30s you’re just tired. You’re tired of getting hurt, tired of the men who play games, tired of the men that judge you so sometimes you may just miss what’s right in front of your eyes. In your 30s you can’t even trust your own judgement because they’ve been clouded by disillusionment. How do you learn to trust again and let love in? Because it seems like the hardest thing in the world…
I have been dating quite a lot recently, just dates… with many many non committal men who will text occasionally, booty call frequently and generally confuse the hell out of me. Where do I find these guys? Honestly, I have no idea. It’s like they just show up at my doorstep or something.
21st century dating culture is so strange. You spent more time on your phones or tablets and on social networking sites than face to face having meaningful conversations.
Guys have freaked out over the word ‘dating’ one too many times. Fine, I’ll say casual dating, as if that makes a difference; labels don’t really matter to me. But since when was dating something to freak out over. The guys I date seem to think that this is the gateway to marriage hell but let’s be real.. I don’t want to marry you either buddy.
I find myself becoming more and more jaded to the process, especially these days when communication is over messages and you find out the guy you’re seeing has gotten back with his ex over Facebook.
These days, a dinner and drinks seems to be a precursor to an ‘official date’, sort of like an interview to see if you really want to interview someone as a proper candidate.
I think its safe to say that the golden age of dating and being ‘courted’ has officially ended. We are now stuck with a string of wishy washy commitments and blah blah blah conversation until you get wifed up.
Romance is dead.
Unlike my best friend who is perpetually surrounded by men who want to date her, I’ve never been the type of girl you notice straight off the bat. Apparently, I grow on people and my world experiences and lifestyle make me more interesting (than I actually am?). What can I say, I guess my sparkling personality doesn’t come through immediately and that’s where low-cut tops come in handy. But herein lies the problem… All girls want to be wanted and we do a lot of stupid things to get the attention of boys that aren’t worth it, myself included.
Considering the type of guy friends I have, I should know better and I should definitely be better at this whole dating thing than I am. But no, I don’t have a clue. I will be the girl whose head is constantly buzzing with the whys and the what ifs. I will settle and make excuses and disregard all the advice in ‘He’s Just Not That Into You’ because I’m holding out the hope that he actually is.
In a nutshell, I have been seeing a guy who proclaims that he is an introvert but will always hang out with his friends and use work as an excuse to not spend time with me. We communicate on a regular basis but when I start pulling away, he jumps on it and becomes extremely attentive. He always has a way with words and regularly turns the tables on me and makes me feel bad for not being nicer to him.
To which M, my go to guy when I need a slap of reality, he of the “I like that you go for the natural look but it wouldn’t kill you to get dolled up once in a while PT” piece of advice said, “Shut the fuck up. Stop it, just stop, you’re just embarrassing yourself?” and proceeded to give me these little gems.
– You’ve already fucked it up by sleeping with him, don’t do it again. If you want to salvage that start from square one, this means no kissing either.
– He doesn’t get the benefits that a boyfriend has without treating you like a girlfriend. This means, dinner, drinks, coffee whatever. Stop all communication until he asks you out like a real man and don’t ask him out first either!
– Make him chase you. You don’t need to play head games or anything but you have to treat yourself like a valuable commodity. He needs to show that he really likes you and that you’re worth spending time, effort, and money chasing. Basically, he needs to put an investment towards the relationship – that’s like the most important part of it.
– If a guy likes a girl, he’ll move heaven and hell to see her. He’s never “too busy” and you’re not “rushing it”. Hanging out, going for coffee and doing dinner is not rushing anything, that’s just the normal route to sex.
– If he doesn’t treat you with respect don’t bother.
So to conclude: I am writing this one off as an epic fail and will attempt to avoid all men who consider me an afterthought.
Thank goodness for boys like M. It may not be nice but at least it’s real.
Tall boys, short boys, skinny boys, fat boys, athletic boys, nerdy boys, shy boys, frat boys. I’ve dated my share of all different types of them. And I can strongly confirm that I’ve loved them all in different ways. But there are some types of boys that I’ve learned to know if I see them to RUN IN THE OTHER DIRECTION! That’s why I will share with you a few types of guys to strongly avoid at all (okay, mostly all) costs.
1. Boys who still live with their mother after 25
This type of boy is a straight up mama’s boy, and won’t go out with you unless his mom doesn’t need her dry cleaning picked up, her bank called, her prescriptions refilled and picked up, and they’ve had breakfast, lunch, and dinner together already. Oh and make sure to bring him back home before midnight, or he’ll have hell to pay. There’s a fine line between mama’s boys and men who love their mothers. A mama’s boy does exactly what his mom tells him to do when she wants him to do it. And it’s not a coincidence that the mothers who bore these boys are usually control freaks who think their needs are one and the same as the needs of their sons. That’s how you end up by yourself on a Saturday night, eating a microwave dinner and cursing yourself for wasting your freshly shaved legs for nothing because your bf had to cancel on you in order to take his mother grocery shopping at the particular place she “needed” to go to that day. Four years later, I’m STILL cursing that night!
2. Boys who leave their phone on silent 24/7.
I hate this type of boy. This boy is usually, if not always, a player. I can see you looking down at your phone every few minutes, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you are texting someone else. These boys can be oh so sneaky though, because they will shower you with affection when you are together, but if you try to look at their phone no one is quicker to keep it away from you than them. Boys who leave their phone on silent all the time are usually smooth talkers, making it difficult to distinguish between a lie and a legitimate reason. It makes sense since they get so much more practice with whoever it is on the other end of that phone. But as tempting as it is to try and justify their actions, simply put, NEXT.
3. Boys who constantly tell you how much money they make…
And how many material possessions they have.
I get it, you make a lot of money and can afford nice things. But I can afford my own nice things, or at least the things I want/need. I don’t care that you drive a BMW 7 series if you’re a terrible driver. If you can’t have a conversation with me without mentioning how much so and so cost or what exclusive restaurant you ate at last week, I won’t be able to keep my food down without gagging at your douchebag tendencies. Life is more than dollars and cents, and if you can’t see past that, you won’t get a second date. I say second and not first because hey, these guys are more than glad to show you what they can afford, and a single girl could use a divine meal once in a while.
4. Boys who tell white lies.
It’d be obvious to say boys who tell lies, especially big ones. But what’s not so obvious are the white lies that mean more than you would think at first glance. A guy who lies to you about sharing common interests is a guy who has no confidence to be himself and try to prove to you that he’s worth your time. Which pretty much means he isn’t worth it. You’re not there to be his life coach, you just met! Another thing that is a pet peeve of mine: when a guy tells me I look good in something, or that I don’t look fatter when I really am. You’re not doing me any favors, especially after we break up and I look at myself in the mirror and realize I need to work out to look and feel better again. Yeah I’m look at you, ex, and I’m looking at the photos of me in 2009 where my friend laughed out loud when he saw how much heavier I was during that time. Vehemently moving on…
5. And finally boys who are “nice”.
There’s a reason nice guys finish last. And just like men who love their moms and mama’s boys, there’s a distinctive difference between “nice” and genuinely nice guys. Most “nice” guys are just jerks who aren’t smart enough or aggressive enough to manipulate girls the way that their “opposites” can. “Oh I’m so good to her as her friend, but she keeps dating these assholes who do nothing but hurt her.” Wait, you said friend right? Right. That tired old sob story doesn’t fly with me. And how nice are you if you’re doing all these things for me under the guise of friendship when what you really ultimately want is to get in my pants? Real nice guys are upfront about their motives. They think the bad boys are the only ones playing a game with the girl, when in reality they’re playing a game as well. The second you think of a girl “friend” as more than that without telling her, and then get upset when she dates someone else, you’re putting her in a lose-lose situation. I won’t date you if I don’t know what you want , so either nut up or shut up.
As always, take this with a grain of salt, because there are always exceptions to the rules. But seriously, don’t date the mama’s boys.
Bonus D.N.D (do not date): the guy who is more into his body and image than yours.
When a guy checks himself out in the mirror more than you do, takes longer to get ready for dinner, and takes even more selfies, you can bet it’s a big red flag that he’s just not that into you, or at least not as much as he’s into himself. It’s narcissistic and just a plain lady-boner killer. DNW (do not want).
The transition from being part of a couple to a singular being. Again.
He likes the custard tart filling. I love the pastry more. Perfect. He scoops out the filling, devouring it in a single spoon and passes the now hollow tart to me which I quickly pop into my mouth.
5 Months Later
I look at the box of a dozen custard tarts now sitting on my kitchen counter. Who’s going to finish this up? There’s only one of me. I carefully take 6 tarts out, scoop out the filling and throw it in the bin. There, just how like it.
It’s only been five months but he’s still everywhere in this flat. Why would I need six pillows on my bed? They take up a lot of space. I remove 3, dust it off and place them in the vacuum storage bags. Off you go to the top of the cupboard. There, now I have more space in bed for myself.
The wardrobe, hmm… definitely need more closet space for my new spring/summer haul. I take my shopping out of the paper bags and hang them up in the new found empty space in the wardrobe. Brand new and perfect.
A glass of wine. I need a glass of wine.
And it isn’t long before I get distracted by the many labels in the fridge indicating that some of the products are nearly expiring. Pulling out a large black trash bag, I begin emptying out the fridge. There, cooking for one. I won’t need all this stuff anyway.
And just like that, I slowly began cleansing my other half, replacing it with shiny new things.
I feel whole again.
So this is what it feels like.