Love vs teddy bears

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Recently I had a conversation with some girlfriends about the modern day wants and needs for boyfriends… And how they’re inversely related to your status in life.

As a younger single girl, insecure, unestablished in life, we need to feel some sort of gratification or justification for being who we are. So we do it the ways we know how: tons of frenemies and the precarious dream of that perfect boyfriend.. Sir prince charming.

Some of us get lucky, find our mate and that’s the end of the SGA.. and for others, we drift around whether by choice or not, and as we progress in life and social status, the mindset towards boyfriends becomes more of an ideal that a goal.

At least, that’s what it’s become for me. The idea of a boyfriend is as nice as the idea of a bestest best friend-forever. We don’t want to be lonely, and it’d be wonderful to have someone around who knows you.. The real you.

That’s one feeling single girls not-so-new to the dating scene have in common: a shared annoyance with the continual introductions. Talking about your background, where you’re from, what you do, what you enjoy, and whatever else makes you different from every other girl. Oh, and then pretending to care about what he says. The whole schpeel. We’re sick if it. And for the most part, we still have to do it because how else are they going to get to know the real you in an evening?

Anyway, back to the point; for the jaded, independently successful single girl, the ideal boyfriend is much like the picture up above: available, hassle-free, comfortable and your own personal sex-toy.

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Let’s talk about sex baby: The Hygiene Edition

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Over brunch, my guy friend C turned to me and asked me in an extremely serious tone, “Do you shower before sex?”

I promptly ordered another cocktail before answering because its one thing to talk to your girlfriends about sex and positions and the size of your man’s underjunk (we don’t do the last thing, pinky swear :P) but it’s a completely different thing to be JUDGED by your semi OCD freak guy friend when it comes to matters of cleanliness.

I am a brush your teeth three times a day, wash your hands to the Happy Birthday song, shower every day even if you don’t wash your hair kinda gal. Which is standard practice for most girls I know. But when it comes to sex before showering, I don’t know. So I answered C with a, “Sometimes, I guess, but not all the time because what if I’m really in the mood and don’t want to ruin the moment.”

He stared at me for a moment with horrified eyes before slinging his arm over my shoulder and saying with a grin, “Guess you and I are never having sex.”

Psh. As if.

But it got me thinking about standard procedure, if we can even call it that. C mentioned that his fellow brethren are just plain disgusting. All that sweat and things coming out of pores and guys just being really gross in general, did I really want that in my body? The answer is: if you think about it in those minute details, then you should just remain celibate and never have sex for the rest of your life.

For me, I say just live in the moment, cleanliness can come right after sex and just before cuddling.

How to know you’ve been living in a single girl apartment too long

So I’m seeing this guy right now and pretty much for the last several weeks, I’ve been staying at his place or he at mine (more so my place lately, since I work earlier and I hate having to do the subway of shame at 6am.)

However, we’ve only been seeing each other for… 2 months now? And while it was nice in the beginning to have someone to chill/cuddle with at night, I’m starting to feel a bit claustrophobic and all my single-girl tendencies are coming out.

Having lived the life of a single girl for the most part of 3 years, certain habits and tendencies are more than likely to have developed. A few quick examples:

  • I am proud of and high maintenance about my hygiene, so I expect him to be too (brushing teeth, washing your face at night, etc)
  • If you’re going to sit on my bed, don’t be fucking filthy and put your socks on the bed. Actually, just shower before you get in my bed. Thanks.
  • Respect my shit, I’m not your bro, don’t treat my place like your boy’s basement mancave.
  • I don’t always want to cuddle or have sex. Yeah, you heard me. I’ve been single for a long time, that means I need my space. Don’t suffocate me or expect me to invite you over for sleepovers every night.
  • I have friends, and plans to go with them! So don’t expect me to go into full gf mode and devote all my free time to you.

Wow. It’s funny how your priorities change when you get into a relationship.

Booty Call

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It’s 2 in the morning and I’m up and I’m pissed as hell because this is the second day in a row I’ve gotten a call past midnight asking me if I’m up and need company.

No first guy… like every other normal person, I am sleeping at 5 in the morning on a Sunday morning and I do not want to go to meet you at your hotel for breakfast because there’s obviously something else on the menu before I get to eat pancakes and scrambled eggs.

And second guy,  I haven’t hung out with you since my birthday weeks ago, so no, I am not up at 1:30am in the morning on a Monday to “cuddle” and no I don’t want to be “little spoon” because I have work in six and a half hours.

If it had been a distinct and established ‘friends with benefits’ relationship from the start, I would not be as annoyed as I am now. We girls have desires too and a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.  But the problem is with both guys I am in the emotionally grey zone. They both refuse to admit that it is what it is: a booty call. They say that we’re “dating casually” and that “we’re friends” and why did we have to label everything?

After my swift rejection of both booty calls, they remained on the phone to catch me up as friends do but I really wish that they’d stop playing these games and playing me for a fool. 

Don’t play the nice guy, you are not a nice guy. I don’t care what life has told you: you can’t have it all. You’ve seen me naked, we are past the friendship zone. Friends don’t call each other past midnight unless there’s an emergency. You wanting to do dirty things to me is not considered an emergency.

So here’s what I suggest:

If you’re not going to meet me when the sun is up, don’t call me.
If you haven’t kept in touch with me when you’ve been out of town, don’t call me.
If you’re not interested in spending time with me outside the bedroom, don’t call me.
If you’re currently dating, interested in, fucking someone else or have just broken up, don’t call me.
If you’re not going to follow through on your promise to take me to the aquarium, don’t fucking call me.

Seriously, don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t message me on any of my social networking sites. I don’t want to sleep with you, I am looking for a man who wants all of me, not just my body. It’s obvious we are not friends nor will we ever get back to the point when we were and I sure as hell am tired of my beauty sleep being ruined because you’re calling me at an ungodly hour.

You’re just not that into me and I’m just done with you.